Those years after my baby’s birth were hard. I Lived in a two bedroom with three young children not knowing anyone one and had a support system that was only loyal to my second husband.
When my oldest son went to live with his father in Indiana I went through the darkest depression of my life and my husband who had just been release from prison, refused to get a job. He was none supportive and unappreciative of all he had put me and the kids through. I lasted a little more than a year before leaving him. He drained me of my joy and my hope. He drained me of my finances. He drained me of my love for anything good.
My youngest son was 3 when I left. I was in a very dark place in my life. I had blamed the church for putting me through all that I went through because “they forced me to marry him.” If it wasn’t for the church I would never had met him or my first husband. I would never had lost my oldest son. I blamed God and the church for everything. But the truth is, it was the consequences of not only my choices but the choices of those I allowed into my life. Our choices in life don’t just affect us, they affect everything and everyone around us. Our choices and our circumstances can put us in a line at a food bank, or suffering with the debated of spending the last $20 in your wallet on diapers or taking the older kids out for dinner at McDonald’s.
On Sept 21, 2012 I closed on my very own home. The most liberating experience of my life. I did it all by myself. I bought a house with out a man or anyone else.
At this point in my life a man was nothing more than a free meal and drink with no attachments. I gave myself a year to date for fun. Something I had never done before. In the past I went from boyfriend to boyfriend until I married one and then the next. I found what I wanted and what I didn’t want through that dating experience. I did a lot of stupid things that most people do in their 20s. I had also decided that I would never marry again, maybe a boyfriend if I found someone I could tolerate but nothing more.
I made my daughter number one through it all. From swim practices, sleep overs with friends, to dragging her to do some “local” sight seeing on our weekends. She was my entire world.
Meanwhile my youngest son was a rope in a tug of war game between me and his father. His father couldn’t accept that I was over him and wasn’t coming back. He lived off of other people those first six months. Insisting he was as stay at home dad. This is something we never agreed to. He bounced from job to job and home to home for several years. I was the stable home for those 2 years I lived in my home that I had purchased.
At a very young age my youngest started showing signs of ADHD and his father refused to accept it. The doctors agreed but would not help him or medicate him until he was school age, mean while the child suffered. He was very delayed in his early learning skills.
When we moved to Florida he struggle to play catch up in Kindergarten and it was agreed that even though the schools would move him forward, it was best for him to repeat Kindergarten. This was the age the Doctors were finally willing to start him on medication to help him with the ADHD. His father still refused to accept that he needed medication and just claimed him to be an active boy. He refused to give him the medications during his visitation so again this poor child suffered. Being on the right medications made such a huge difference to him being able to focus and learn.
After being out of the church for almost 3 years I finally walked back in with a chip on my shoulder and a heart of stone. With all that I and my kids had been through, It took a very loving God to soften my heart of stone.
John 8:12 “Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, ‘I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life. “